nota 4 pagi bukit bintang.

i only see shadows walking pass by
orange, blue, yellow were the themes
midnight chatters were the music
late night thoughts were the lyrics

i saw ten thousand ants crawling up
my feet
i felt ten thousand nano mites under my skin
this could be either the strangest or the shittiest
feeling ever.

but i walked through it like how everyone does
it tickles at times, it also hurts...most of the time
and it still doesn't change the fact that

i am who i fucking am.

I saw my self in a black and white death

I thought fire was nice
I thought pain was good
I thought being emotionless was decent
I thought losing my own desires was great

I put my self at risk
Like on the edge of Everest, wait
To fall slowly, cold and dead
I am yours to regret.

I felt the sharp words trenchant
Layers of the heart
The hard look hits on my face
And there, I fail to feel anything

A dog is always a dog
Doing what it does best, follow
Every step is another step to heart burn
Every words promised, is another deceit
As always I only follow and obey.

A boat sails to the northern
Leave what’s broken behind
Why are you still here?
Listening to Rumahbogel gives me the
Idea
I should keep my thoughts to my self
And no one could take it away.

I’ll take what ever there is
Wear it everyday till the body dies
Drink it till the venom is neutral to me
I am a hollow after all
What’s there to feel?
I was left dead, to rot
Why the fuck am I still here and alive?

satan was a good guy.

Satan, kill that light crossing my mind
I’m seeing lasers, flashes and blur pictures of
Confusion
Sing to me a song, write me a death note
I want to hear you scream like how you used to
When you’re mad at me.

Please struck my mind with spears of common
Feeling of yours
So I can kill myself when you’re gone.
Take me to the black hole and show me the
Meaning of loneliness when no one’s around
To help.

Your sighs brings doom to my world,
A weapon you will use against me,
To take control of everything.
Dance to this heart beat you’ve mixed up,
Stomp it hard.

You’d always keep my thoughts in a pause
Like how you’d know I would when I can’t do or feel anything
when you indirectly force me to shout out my thoughts
to you so I could be the reason to why you’re angry
and in the end, I am the poison,
I am the knife that kills you every night.

I am the dead light.

Time to go ,

Its two a.m.
And I haven’t found home yet,
Why is this happening?
So walked straight,
Towards false hope and deceit,
I fell.

You weren’t there,
You didn’t help,
Instead, you kept quiet.
I drew tones of symmetrical lines
Shaping you.

Failed.

Fucking failed.

I walked again.
This time,
I make turns so I won’t fall again.
And I didn’t.

Because I had so many reasons not to,
Because I had to fight to tell a tale,
Because I was hurt so bad,
Because I had stars with me,
Because I have a heart with me,
Because it wasn’t all nice in the end,
Because I had angels to look over me

And these angels are my new symmetrical drawings.
They had shaped me in to another angel.

One of Those Fucking Awful Black Days.

Like one of those awful black days
Silence takes over...everything
; Some solitude there
I didn’t like it but
Kept on going to the limit
When I know, I know deep down
It hurts to have, even a slight contact.

"Submarines" going up and down
Taking away life’s meaning
Like one of those awful black days.
There must be casualties, too bad i'm the casualty
; based on irrational emotional judgements

Place 1.5 milligrams of cocaine in front of you,
Enough to make you hallucinate
Now, place a 9mm bullet through your brain
Enough to make you free
It hurts but god I like it.

Some things are meant to be broken
And scattered to be figured
Some things are just cruel
Just to tell you that this is life

Like one of those awful black days,
My body is trapped; in a pause to be exact
Committing to everything I possibly can...but not you.

Like one of those fucking awful black days again
I miss the taste of strawberry cupcakes and iced vanilla
Or maybe butterscotch and the clicking sound of the camera

Like one of those fucking awful black days again
When everything seems so grey.

nota kaki:

kau senyum dengan sempurnanya, tidak memikirkan
hal orang lain atau apa yang telah kau lakukan.
senangkan, hidup macam tu?

aku pula senyum dengan penuh sinis,
masih fikir untuk menjaga perasaan orang lain
what a life lah.gila hitam putih.

Nota 3:55 am.

Jam dah 3:55 am, aku masih memikirkan apa nak jadi.
Coretan pada kertas yang aku dah simpan 5 bulan
Masih aku guna sebagai penggerak aku (kononnya aku hebat)
Lagu bermain tanpa henti macam babi, aku tak henti henti menyanyi.
Tapi kenapa berhenti bila semuanya terjadi? aku pun nak ikut mati?

aku tak kesah apa kau nak buat, janji kau rasa kau hebat.
Aku hanya nak nokhtah, kau buat aku nak muntah.


Gila
kau
imaginasi aku

aku kejam
hipokrasi kau



Tiap kali kau laporkan diri, aku rasa happy, tapi...
But aku masih tak senang hati memikirkan petak hati
Yang dah berbelah bahagi. Semua orang cakap tak
Takut mati, kepala gajah kau orang lah. Semuanya hipokrasi.
Bila luka di hati, berjahit sana sini rasa seperti nak mati.
Boleh pula kau rasa benda tu, tak malu ke kawan?

Bila kau lari laju laju, aku masih macam batu,
Tak tahu menahu mana nak ku tuju, tapi aku nak gerak laju.
Sebab dalam aku, masih ada perasaan nak tahu tentang you.
Mata seperti ada gam, berat tapi still nak angkat. Sebab aku tak tahu
Apa nak buat dengan buku buku yang lalu dan baju baju kau.

Haram jadah, satu message pun tak sampai, tapi berpuluh dah keluar.
Aku check pocket seluar, aku jumpa nota dia, ringkas tapi sakit "berjahit"
Jugak la. Koyak rabak di buatnya. Aku hanya manusia. Berilah kerjasama
Kawan.

hisap rokok bertalu talu, kepala aku dah tak tentu. Mata aku macam masuk shampoo; pedih. Badan aku dah tak berlagu, macam hantu bergerak tak tahu arah tuju. Sekarang aku tahu, dah tak malu, aku nak main lagu sendiri pula

Kau tahu aku tahu apa kita semua mahu, kau tahu yang aku dah tak macam dulu.
Aku tahu aku masih "disitu" sedangkan kau dah pun pantas mendahului aku
Se-simple nya, kau dah Hilang hati kau.

Dull But Wonderfull

Just like post-rocks, when it started to play,
My skies turned mellow and
It was windy out there.
It reminds me, of who I wanted to be,
It just reminds you in a way,
Everything seems dull but wonderful at the same time.

Like dried grass on my lawn,
Dried, but still alive.
A person only needs a small amount of
Food to live,
Doesn’t matter if its food for your soul or
Body, as long as the person eats it.
They shall live.

I envy the birds in the morning,
They sing, dance, and play with each other
And none of them had a fight or heartbreaks.
And it breaks them from us; they have a happy ending
That last forever.

Drifters.

It’s like a poison in our mind
Poisoned by their images
We’re always in fear of them,
Floating in time of lost hope
and faith

It’s just a hallucination, frame by frame
Since just now we wait and wait
It has been a long night for us
Why not take a pause for now.

Like songs that reminds us of things
It’s something we have to get use to.
It’s tough but it’s also as soft as the clouds
But the truth is, we never touch it before
; Acting is part of forgetting.

Like at the peak of a song, it goes higher
Just like us, we go higher every time we fail
Like graphs we drew during math’s class;
Nothing in life move steadily.
Names and pains written all over the corridors, with tears

Like how you see a woman waiting for her train
Just like how you wait for someone to take you away
To drift in movements you’d never expect.
The way they hold you, so tight
You gain confidence over that because you know
They can take you anywhere without loosing you.

Fall lightly from the sky and follow wherever it takes you
Because for now, you are still falling
Somebody is surely going to catch you someday

Someday

Someone

Somehow

Somewhere

They will.

Because life cycles around you like that
It’s either one way or another.

Doesn’t mean you miss something means you failed
Doesn’t mean you fail to do something means you lose

There’s always a list in us
Tells us what we want and what we already have
Hold on the ones we already have, or the ones we use to have.
It could mean a lot someday.

Enlightened.

The smoke clouded our mind,
Like Oakland trees and panda bears,
They don’t fit but it provides shelter for the panda.
Like how I would say no and you’d still go.

Its like how I miss Starbucks and talking about
Ugly Betty and conspiracy.
Same goes to how I would miss the rooftops
And smoke cigarettes all night staring what’s in the skies.

Midnight summers long hours,
Goodbye sunflowers hello wallflowers.
The clock is ticking back and moving,
The trains ticket is sold out and leaving in the morning.
I gave you a warning, and there’s no turning back.

This is a turning point for me.

Nota Kaki.

This is your defining moment
To change and rewrite life again
You know,
Not only games can be restarted.

Games games games
That is all you are and you’re in
Never knew what you were playing with
; You hallucinate a lot my friend.

You can have as many friends you want
But you can only have a few good friends
; Not many are interested in doing you a favor at
times you need them to.
Not all friends speak truth.

This is your defining moment
To change and rewrite life again
You know,
It’s never too late.





Have you ever float in time and
a song came in perfectly to
make you feel like your passing through
speeding cars and lines of lights?
This feeling...is the shit.

Moments of You, shifting.

How ambient sounds could move you,
Slowly, sharp with deep thoughts
moving you bit by bit.
Move your body as the song plays
while flipping through pages and pages of...
; It is your fault that things move.

Track One:

To tell a friend a story now days
is just as hard as telling giving an advice
to a novice.
Whether good or bad, they just won’t care
they laugh through time and forget.
Like summers, the warmth is just…
Like drinking coffee early morning
Smelling the fresh air at night
It’s just...everything looks beautiful.

Like playing solos and I zoned out
for a moment there, I thought I was floating.
The sadness of flipping through photos
is like watching terrorist murdering aimlessly.
Like how a warm summer air turn cold
I know that feel, too well.

Track Two:

When I hear church bells ringing,
I envy those who got married
Like watching a man buying a Ferrari.
Sometime you just know if the man deserves it or not
; I’m just saying.
Having a candid shot is just a beautiful one
If the picture is perfect, it is beautiful
Like having post-rock playing and at the same time
creating stories in your mind without the lyrics.
You just know the stories hidden within the song.

Watching a bird flying away from your window
Creep around your mind looking for uncertain reaction;
"Yes you always wonder in floating feel and left the world.
On a dark night, you stall time with bottles of them.
You know, you have change a lot these days
You do odd things, think of random things."

There are moments when I feel, so empty and lost in
translations I could never translate because for me,
I vary my thoughts so I won’t be bothered to care.

This is the rebirth of your past.

five.o'.eight.AM

I do understand; in addition, better than you
I do see; in addition, further than you
I do hear; in addition, sharper than you
I do speak; but it is also the only thing I can’t.

I don’t have the time and space to do so
Unequally, you segregate the spaces
Rushing as always, I lost in the gun fight
; Because time is something I can’t hold
I can only hope time spins back
Not to the beginning, but way before that
Because up ahead I know what happens
I do not want to repair it, but avoid it
I can’t actually, is a memorable memories

I can only flash through and hear
I can’t touch and bear with it
Not that it’s hurting, it’s too sweet
Not that I don’t like sweets, it’s too lovely
Not that I hate love, loves complicated

But love is beautiful,
It shimmers,
Every time you need it too, it will
But sometimes, it hurts you as well
The jealousy and hypocrisy just strikes you
Right in there,
No one can tolerate jealousy, its natural
Even in the slightest feeling of love, there must be some.

Because I know,
And I’ve felt it before
But it was okay for me to feel so
If I didn’t, I must be an alien
Because until now...

I’ve lost words there.

Countless times I’ve wondered here
Waiting for the postman
Thinking what letter it is
Death, or holidays
Long breaths or long highways
Because if I choose long breaths,
I will write songs and stone; falling down to earth
If I choose long highways,
I will hallucinate and dream all day
; Either way, I’ll fall down.

So I choose none but tall glass with liquids that’ll
Keep me warm.

I’m a dead dead cold person
I’ll need warmth to restart life cycle back.

I won’t throw away the old engine oil,
I’ll keep it; perhaps, its still usable.

I made music with heart, I cried that night
The sounds was moving, I was stoned
Not with marijuana but by the music I played
I felt as if I was in spaces of the unknown world
I was floating
Trying not to drown, because a close one use to say,
"Letting it eat you up just make things worst"
I followed, and I obeyed
It worked only for a few days
Since then, life was never moving anymore.

Remnants For You,Boy.

The beginning:

The first note rings,
Distortion slips in,
Violins swinging,
Drums beating,
Palm muting the strings,
Slowly progressing,
And it goes on.

Progressing its way up till the highest note,
Killer solo with attitude,
Hardcore rhythms,
Saddening bass,
Slowly soften the tune,
Stop.

Ends a progressive song, telling a story about a "Remnant."


The body:

When Pete said he would turn back to who he was,
He didn’t lie or made it up to make people worried,
He knows him self better than others,
While others can only tell and remind,
Remind him about falling stars and midnight trains,
Remind him that not everything will end with tears,
Not all songs are meant for him,
Not all songs are happy because the lyric hides behind the tunes,
Remind him that love is beautiful in its own way.
They can tell him that not everyone is to be blame,
Tell him that not every bad guy is going to hell,
Not every town is burning down; when he tries to run,
Not every soft place is comfy,
They can only tell and remind.

He decides to be cold or just rot and wait for someone
; would they even bother to pick him up?
Yes, some people actually care.


The ending:

You hold the world and you can push it to the middle,
Of silence and dead cold place
Or perhaps land with fake rainbows.
You can chase sunset’s everyday,
You can stare at the bright moon,
Well, you can only chase and stare at it.

This is a remnant of what you’ve become,
You’re chasing ghost, boy.

In Agony, Aku Mati.

I pointed out at a star,
My friends ask why,
I answered with a simple,
"Because it shines brightly, why can't I?"

I gulp in a glass of hot tea,
Wondering where could he be,
I smiled sinisterly and said,
"a) He's out there waiting for me, or b)..."
I’ll leave that empty, for later maybe.

The joyous veins has run dry,
Blackened and bruised.
Completely out of amusement,
Waiting for the newspaper man
; "I'm dying in agony."

I do not know how to show,
But I do know how to grow,
I do know what anger is, but I do not throw,
Because I know it will grow,
And I’ll show you someday tomorrow.

Hence, the points have been calculated,
Divided, multiplied, and subtracted,
In the end...
I will leave it empty again.

Today,
They asked me why I leave it empty,
I answered, "Because those are not meant to be wondered,
but to be figured."
Because it requires a lot of patients and a measureless
amount of love and desire of wanting to care,
For him to know the answer.

Because this body won't last long,
Because this body wouldn't let anything go wrong,
Because this body have been hurt so long,
Because this body needs a song,
Because this body, will love forever long.

Aku percaya, tak semuanya tipu belaka,
Aku percaya, tak semuanya kekal sama,
Aku percaya, tak semuanya tak akan berubah,
Aku percaya, tak semuanya tentang dia,
Boleh mambawa aku lemas dalam kesakitan,
Kerana dia juga merupakan kebahagiaan.

Solace of Cataclysm.

Testament 1:

You’re a master of puppets,
You mould them finely and perfect,
Then you crush it down like how you killed an ant.
Aimlessly picking on who you want,
Thinking that they might be good or suchlike
; You lost in that fight.

Testament 2:

Sometimes you can make my skies turn blue,
At times you turn it bloody black and dark,
It was cold and...fucking...cold!
How it was that prick is able to do so?
Did not I understand, but I am trying.

Testament 3:

Some things should have kept the way it is
; Without interfering the limit of its own.
One can push things till it collapse,
One can do so much that it hurts,
One can die being hurt, while the other
; Won’t bother.

Final Testament, Solace of cataclysm:

Note, fairytales are bullocks,
Gun fights are Grimm Jaw's,
He kills and he seizes,
He lives to rule and ignore hearings,
He can never be brought to justice;
As he himself thinks "I am justice and only
I can judge", "I am your ruler".

But never he; sees the beauty in a lady,
Working like a mad dog, all round the clock,
For hours and hours thinking and weeping for him,
Yet he only sees a way out, a way to bail out.
As hard as the metal, Grimm Jaw is thicker and well-built,
Built only for him self, only to seek pleasure,
Only to be look after;
Have he consider looking out for others?

Fret not,
As all the comrades are here; prepared,
To walk with the lady and accompany her to safety,
She is now, the main priority.
He is now, the enemy,
We are now, an anatomy.
To see if we are one, to see if we could run
; Side by side without leaving one.
I know, I know, I fucking know;
That all of us are never a catastrophe,
But wonders made for others.

I have so much to say,
But I lay and lied through the day,
I can only hope and pray that one day,
All of us would be happy,
Starting from today; if I may?

I don’t want a repetition of today.

Ephemeral Imaginations.

I went up to the hills,
City lights were bright,
It’s a place where I enjoy the
Mosquito bites and picture
; Ephemeral imaginations.

Bright lights, city lights,
You are blocked by tall buildings,
But still I look for a spot where I can
; sit down and think about many things

The night clouds are beautiful; too bad
You’re not here,
I almost took you to my hideout,
Unfortunately,
Mans are building sky scrapers.
They fucking intrude my place.
But it’s okay,
I’m moving to a new place.

Far away, I’ll distract myself from
; uttered words of...
I wasn’t on any of your echelon,
I couldn’t reach to that point,
I know...I was too deeply smitten.
Since I’m going away,
Last wishes are written already.

I wish for nothing but the only the best,
I wish for nothing but for the better,
I wish for nothing but to change,
I wish for nothing but...only to see smiles,
I wish for something I know, deep inside,
It’s like playing music without the instruments,
It won’t fucking work.

I will,
Miss the moments,
Miss the laughter’s,
Miss the smiles,
Miss the Milo,
Miss the hangouts,
Miss the gigs,
Miss the people,
Miss the hills,
Miss the rooftop,
Miss the overnights,
Miss you, him, he, she, her, they and...
THEM.

They are the rainbows in my skies,
They are the rain in the middle of the desert,
They are my mum when I’m losing control,
They are the therapist,
The are the music I enjoy listening,
They are the sad movies I cried too,
They are some bunch of lunatics who would make faces
In the middle of the crowd,
They are my hangout buddies,
They are the ones, who would give me a slap if needed to,
They tell me straight if I’m wrong,
They care for me and won’t let me sink, but sing,
They are the ones, who thought me how to drink Milo.
They are precious and irreplaceable.

They also,
Gave me choices,
Gave me back my feelings,
Gave me the bright sky,
Gave me songs,
Gave me pictures,
Gave me drinks,
Gave me a whole lot of respect,
Gave me too many that I can't pay back,
Gave me a piece of what they think,
Gave me hugs,
Gave me the best time of my life,
Gave me some sense,
Gave me trust,
THEY GAVE ME HAPPINESS.

I am,
Sad,
Scared,
Losing grip,
Lost in words of my own,
Apprehensive,
Confuse,
I am in a troubled state of mind.

I have no idea how to show them how
Grateful I am, having them as my friends,
I wish all this would be a dream,
I really don’t need this kind of thing right now,
I feel...wretched as I write more.

To these precious, fantastic, joyful, tearful, roller-coaster riding-friends,
I owe you people some thanking. You guys have brought back my colour pencils to colour my skies again.


For now, I can only hallucinate and dream.

Numerous Minds Are Sometimes Poison.

I wouldn’t be singing late night songs to you anymore,
But I gave you a piece of what I think before,
Figure,
Figure,
Figure,
If I can draw out my thoughts, I would show you,
My feelings are the same as any songs; it’s always thinking.

Wonder around the field, thinking if it was real,
Wonder if everything is as promised,
Wonder if every thought would go to God,
Surely it will, but it takes time and, an open heart.
One day I would go to the sky and blow the angels,
They betray me for not being there at times like these,
Also the stars and the moon, they ran away; they hate sadness,
I went away; check the clock, it stopped ticking; dead.

My boy, you got to keep it chilling or it’ll blow,
Like the bomb,
Like the bomb,
It’s dangerous.
Explosions of unusual feelings; sometimes I feel cold.
This is where my medulla oblongata starts to hallucinate,
With dreams you’ve buried under my thoughtful mind,
I was thinking,
What if one day...
Bullshit, why must it be "what if"?
Why can’t it be just "one day I’ll take your hand and walk with you"?

I live in a field full of lies with teary eyes; wondering in my own lies,
I can lie just about to anything; even to my won feelings,
Yes, well lie
All of us hurt others before,
All of us, we do bad things,
The Americans, they thought us to live in their lifestyle,
The French, thought us how to wonderful love is; yes they are good,
Well, we live in a world not in our own, but in other people’s dreams and words,
We live in wide open land, created by other people’s desire,

Where are your own lands?
Where are your own thoughts?
Where are your own words?
Where?
Where are your fucking feelings?
Where is your fucking heart?

I ask my self,
Where do I stand now?

All I see is the sky I have and the lights lighting up my nights,
And there you stand, like a statue of liberty, tall and strong.

I know, I’ve grown weaker and not knowing of where to go and what I want.
I gather numerous thoughts from people, and got screwed by some of them.


note to self:you can't keep on going like this, its fuckingfivethirty.

Twillight.

Drunk drivers; serial killers,
You murder with sorrow tears,
You drove fast; didn’t even bother,
You jumped out; that really bothers,
Absinthe is the best cure I’ve found,
It kills the "germs" out of you,
It kills...you, me, and others.

Forgotten memoirs is a norm here,
Just like how Pete forget about Cinderella,
Instant redemption; wont happen here,
Fragile; I know he is, but he’s also cold,
You must know; Kim hates you, Angela,
She hates you because you are the preeminent,
You utter in unspoken language she understands.

Old folks, dying and trying to win their children's heart,
In any possible way; you try to kill them,
Lies, disguise, complots; you’re different
; Unique,
Go ahead, take the car and bang your head,
Grandma’s graves up ahead; nod down your head,
Show respect,
This is how you preserve closeness,
Ram the car, go fast to west,
Meet Beth, she’s my friend; a healer.

I look up to the sky during the day,
Wondering where could I go wrong everyday,
And Monday was never Monday as it’s always
; Gloomy.
2.5 grams of cocaine, cocaine in the back seat,
Let’s get drunk and carve our names on the trunk,
I remember now, you are the girl I always saw,
The one with white shirts and short skirts,
Such beauty,
I was impressed; that was long ago, now im different.

You know I’ve change, influenced by tars and nicotine,
Coming unstable, think; I’m unable to,
I'm stuck in my own thoughts and feelings,
Enjoying the yellowish field, fill with flowers,
Crying with grief; hunting every heart owners.

I looked for Angela, but I didn’t see her, where is she?
Perhaps she’s in the toilet, or crying for a fagot
; Like me, I’ll admit that I am.

Grey Skies That Belongs to Kim.

When the sun starts to fall,
Kim also falls, but only her tears,
Grief of her loss; very deep,
And no one can see her in the dark.
She couldn’t blame anyone,
She took the hit and hurt her self,
Was that really necessary? ...Maybe.

Maybe she put the blame on the clouds,
For they are always dark and gloomy,
She never said the clouds are bothering,
But Michael always knows, somehow;
Things got in her way, too heavy for her,
So it stayed there and stayed till; unsure.
The longer it stayed, the deeper the wound gets,
But Kim is obviously, ignorant and stubborn.

Fuck what Kerri thinks; she’s not your mother,
For what’s it worth, she’ll do anything to change it,
Such concentrated dark values Kim owns; very profound.
Conversations of coldness and emotionless,
She bares it all in her self;
Waiting for someone to take it away; but for how long?
It’s never too late to turn back.

An hour ago, my house blacked out,
It was dark; I had only one candle,
One bowl of rice with veggie,
A pot of weed,
And a "Chapter 13" page from Kim.
Filled with materials of HER; the dark witch,
She is who you hate; she is all you have,
I smoked,
Gain hunger,
Saw flying penguins,
And heard beautiful noises,
You weren’t there; you wouldn’t know,
I read Chapter 13; it was; very moving.

Dear Kim,

I kept your Chapter 13 with me all the time,
Cried almost every night; having a war in myself,
Trying to decide who the next queen is; I can’t.
Such an epic saga; with beautiful deaths,
You’ll surely enjoy every bit of it,
Excluding the happy ending; you hate happy endings,
I don’t know why.

A terrible thought I had just now...how was it? How do you cope with life?

Two bags of cotton candies and 1.5 grams of cocaine.

And so you died and came back alive,
With colourful world she gave you back,
But you still look dead as if you’re a dead cell,
The one where you can’t do anything, regardless the effort.

Yes, she lives to kill.

It is so deep that the wound is infected,
Infected by musical influence of Margret,
A silent music created to make her invincible,
Such dark tune it is, but still she enjoyed killing hopes.

I wonder if Pete knows.

I wonder and wonder, the whole night I did,
But I have no idea of what is coming; I was lost,
Talking about flying elephants and singing horses,
Sinking submarine and crossed joints,
I got lost again in my own thoughts of….I disbelieve.

I want to pretend dead now, good bye.

Its all the same now, bad crows are still bad,
Witches are still evil and manipulating is what they do,
Hunting every little kids and grabs their candies,
Switching it to hypnotising drugs to lure them,
And rip off their virginity; tragedy.

Gabriel’s dream is hanged.

You quiver as you flashback through silent movies,
Something from your past is still intact with your mind,
It’s untouchable nor it is breakable, but it can be block,
It is a never-ending story in your head; like worldwar2,
Not until one dies or loses, or perhaps like now; just ignore it.

As usual, hallucination is you.

You only hallucinate in what you believe is right,
Not considering the risk of leaving your shirts and whatnot,
You travelled into highways to Tentamonium; exquisite,
They have colourful rainbows just like Marry Anne’s eyes,
But those eyes are meant to pleasure, and then kill.

Nightmares of self destruct...Is still here.

You're So Called Wonderland.

They sky you’ve created is awfully ugly,
It is definitely different from the previous,
It’s full of tragedy and I have this feeling of
Frustration when I looked at it,
It’s saddening when everything is turning to
The malevolence one.

You ran to the church with Pete making
You’re brides maid confuse,
You thought having a wedding by the shore
Was overrated,
So Pete agrees and starts saying his vows and you
Fell upon his sweet words.

You and he are suitable for each other,
Just like the priest told you once;"he is decent for you",
What ever it was, I am laughing now,
I’ll enjoy this whole melodramatic scene of you people,
I am now...a hollow.

You only see the sky you've created, not the parts you've deleted,
So don't you realize you’re living in a "created world" of yours?
Don't you wonder if you are stepping on reality’s ground,
Or just the dream's?
I know how fast you can run and how far you can go;
But still Pete could catch up to you no matter where you go,
Because I’m always blocked by fences and what not.

But fences are nothing to me; I'll just push it down,
The angel Gabriel, you’ve build to perfection and decency,
Is just another devil now; killing dreams
And throwing nightmares,
Is that what you wanted? Well Pete must be upset
With what you’re doing.

You ran and ran and ran the whole night,
Chasing what? Wake up, we’re in the real world here,
While you people are having fun, you don’t see the monsters
And demons called humans; snatching and waiting for you,
Waiting for you to fall into their diabolical plans.

Wake up you selfish humans; you’re living in reality here.

Thunder Plays Good Music.

I hear the thunder storms singing,
It’s beautiful as the music that’s playing,
I personally let them sing in the morning,
So when we break apart I won’t sink.

I lied, I’m sinking.

Late night I watch horror movies,
She grabs hold of whatever she sees,
Anything she can hold on to; TV’s and cooshies,
So Sayang, are you still holding on to those woosies?

I hope not.

For what ever reasons that is, I told you;
Never ever once you cross my limit,
Now that you have; I see you vomit,
Vomiting bloods of sadness and guilt.

You don’t deserve that, I should.

I told Parker and Cameron,
Don’t leave me here alone,
They didn’t but instead; them mourn along,
But only for a few moments,
Because, they also have to go back home.

Thank you, treasured friends.

You see, every fucking time you touch me,
I will surely quiver and my fears could create a sea,
I can’t see but I still walk across the river with sympathy,
It’s all I have to give and to take from others; I know you could see it.

Don’t pretend that we are happy at times we know we’re not.

They wrote me a letter to cheer me up; I burned it,
I wrote back to them saying I’m going to kill my self; in blood ink,
The spiders came and put up webs all over to stop me sink,
They, our friends are the ones who called the spiders, thank you for saving me.

I don’t know how to show gratitude to them, I’m a shame of myself.

To self, I speak quietly with anger,
Telling self, to be calm and cheerful,
But that wont happen, trust me, not in hell,
And so, all of you saw it, such sinister smile ever carved on my face.

I tried, I really did.

I heard thunder singing again,
It was loud as if they we're playing,
With wondrous joy they did,
Happily they ran away without bothering.

Exquisite, they all are.

But sad I am to know that,
This is where it all ends,
No signs and no sounds,
but just a hunch of, heart breaking stories of Neverland

I’m sad that you’ve crossed it,
I’m sad that you killed “us”,
I’m sad that I laugh when I actually cry inside,
I’m sad that I listen to ballets songs,
I’m sad that I let it out to my friends; and I’m sorry for that,
I’m sad that I shiver when I look in the mirror; because I see you,
I’m sad that I could again; see sadness in songs I actually enjoy,
I’m sad that sad movies make me sick,
I’m sad that I tremble upon goodness towards people,
I’m sad that progressive music is so emotive; but I still enjoy it,
I’m sad that I write this piece of junk; it’s making me sick,
I’m sad to see myself being like this; it’s such pity,
I’m sad that my Late Night Request is not on - air anymore.

TwoHundredAndThirthy.

I took a rest and lay down on the floor,
The night sky was dark and wide open,
I open up my mind, and started wondering around,
I found, twohunderedandthirthy reasons.

Reasons I should’ve never thought of in the first place.
Just when I was about to reach, two son of a bitch’s came,
It was lame,
But it’s their game to play,
I had to let them win,
It was a shame I didn’t had the time to dream.

So what if I miss the stars?
They are the ones who accompanies me at times like…now,
Its fuckingthreeinthemorning and im mourning,
I know, I should get back to bed,
But I need a lullaby,
Where’s mine?

Who cares if we die?
We’re not the ones, who gave them what they have now,
Why care?
Because there’s, onehundredandsixmillion
Why I shouldn’t tell you that I misjudged you.

Conversations of clueless Alfredo to Casey.

Dear Casey,


I’ve seen you longing for happiness
For quite sometime,
But still, you haven’t got it right,
Are you okay?

Obviously you’re not fucking okay.

Silly, we have names among ourselves,
He, she, me, you, we,
All of us do, that keep us laughing,
Laughing for you to carry you back,
Back home where you belong.

Somewhere in between,

We cried over the same melodies,
We got our bruises from the same guy,
But yours was...shall I say worst?
You got it from him for Christ sake!
He was strong, mean and definitely
Nasty.

You’re hurt but still you’re pulling the strings,
Back, back to you,
Trying so hard preventing sorrowfulness,
To prevent him walking out of the front door,
Leaving traces of...nothingness.

You hide it every time he walk pass by your mind,
Even from your mum, you do,
But dear Casey, do you know that all of us are worried?
Perhaps not, I don’t think so.

My medulla oblongata is dying,
And the vision of it, has somehow fade,
How can I ever see you again, Casey?
Well previously Pete left, now you, where to?
I heard heaven is overrated? Is that where it is?

Inevitable.

Nothing can be change at this moment,
Have some aspirin and meet me at the bottom,
I’ll lead you to hell, we’ll see if it’s overrated or not.
I’m not asking for much, not even mercy,
Because you don’t even have that, why bother asking?
If I can hold this beating heart, I’ll plug it out and give it
To the boy in Iraq,
He really needs them more than I do.

Stories,

I'm running out of ink, but I can illustrate it
With pictures and let you listen to it,
Yes they have sounds also, wait; I’m not sure about it,
Every trick takes half a second, every prick kills every second,
But you take less than that.

I took pictures, you make scenes,
I create cinematography, while you create the moments in there,
You fucking prick!
Now you’ve lost the tape we’ve built,
God damn you.

Evaluation is what I need the most right now,
I need to calculate and evaluate your worthiness,
I want to track back the billings the blood we shed,
The times we’ve wasted.

To Pete, Goodbye.

Fragment 1:

I’ve tried, really; I did,
But...I fucking scream to hardcore, screamo,
Shit,
I obviously fail didn’t I?

You saw that in me,
Screamed in my head,
Quiver my fucking world,
To vary my feelings, emotions, thoughts
And what not,
To normality, sanity, and yes,
To me...usually.

I love the things you put aside,
I enjoy killing dreams and give them nightmares
For a change,
I enjoy life, pretending it was colourful,
Well at least, it’s still colourful...for now.

You’ve met Venus and crash it with,
Such hatred and cruelty towards the sun,
There, Angela cried again in the,
Deepest, darkest, sorrowfulness corners of the world,
World only known to her, Tentamonium.

Fragment 2:

I write to her in black,
A colour which I took from my feelings,
But it came back transparent to me, I’ve seen the true
Colours now, its no longer exist,
It’s the colours of Pete, the rainbow I saw in Venus,
Bright it was, but somehow it is still,
As dark as the heart you’re holding, weird,
Enough nonsense of Angela,
I’m tired.

Its okay, I dug my own grave darling.

Sleep for now, sleep and dream again,
At least for Pete, he needs you,
Badly that crying is not sadness, but happiness...to him.
Shake; shake the helms of hell, Pete,
For Angela, please do,
Bring back the devil in her, for her revenge,
Help her avenge her,
Darkest...you know what it is, don’t you Pete?

Fragment 3:

Tragedy is a form of reminder dear friend,
Reminds you of Venus and Rigel,
Coffee on the table, while walking on pebble stones,
Burning ICE late midnight, such deep pain,
As deep and dark as the well behind your house,
As sorrow as the fishmonger when he has nothing,
Nothing to feed to his wife and children.

Fragment 4:

We, they, them, his, hers,
We are friends,
Just like the stars and the moon,
Such bond they have among them,
The stars will tell the other stars that the moon
Is on a break,
And the moon will tell the stars,
"Look at Pete, cheer him up, lets all come out…for him, for Angela,
For them, lets save Pete."

When they shine, he jumps,
He falls, slowly, with a smile,
He’s sinister looks was so convincing,
To the stars and the moon, he’s not going to fall,
But still they dashed to him, save him.

Yes this is when Pete shows his gratitude to his allies,
He smiled again,
Its okay, he’s safe.

Fragment 5:

Pete is now not Pete anymore.
He danced with the devil already,
The devil, Angela,
Made him scream, scratch and
Stab,
Stab,
Stab,
Stab every single heart he sees.
Scary Pete he was.
Even Angela left, for she is also terrified.

Good bye Pete,
Come back when you are really Pete,
Come back when you have forgive,
Come back when you don’t see her in your eyes,
Come back,
Please come back,
If you’re still alive.

I Am Bogeyman, Remember?

Darkest hour,
You stood there, static
Only to see me bleed, and bleed,
I survived, with sympathy of others
I surely did, darling.

I’m not pleased,
Never will I, not until;
I can stop crying every night,
Crying was never in my dreams.

I dreamt again today,
Awkward though, we made love again,
Dirty it was babe, but you surely looked like you enjoyed it,
What a twist of life it was. Sigh.

Insomnia,
Perhaps I need to sleep a little longer,
And wake up, realising, what I’ve just missed,
Thorns of roses scratching my skin, and it has been two years already.

My fucking fist are tired, fighting for you,
Tired they are, still; I carried on,
Protecting your petite heart, from sharp,
Really sharp....scary feelings.

You loved milk so much that you’ll keep it last,
To drink with me, to show that you love me,
Really, was what I just said true?
Perhaps it is, I trusted you, remember?

So much, so much has gone through you,
But haven’t you seen what has gone through me?
The nightmares of bogeyman I had just because I want to be with you?
I didn’t mind, not at all, I loved you, remember?

Now, I am "revenge",
Not that I hate you, it’s just a way of "cowards",
"Coward", dare you to speak of that? Please, look back.
Now, tell me; what am I missing?

Revenge is passion, passion of crime,
You know that, you loved that,
Oh yes, I remembered that as well,
I catch words fast, remember?

I don’t think you remember anything anymore, sayang.
Not now especially. I am bogeyman, remember?

This is how I express myself, I’m sorry.

You, I, We, They, Are Fucking Lost.

Say, what have you got?
For the sinful years you’ve been living,
What have you got for us this time?

Zilch

Not a damn fixation,
Not a damn follower
Not a damn victory
Not a damn,
Damn, damn, damn,
Clue about your fucking life.

Pretend
Pretend all you can
Pretend For as long as you can
Pretend To whom ever you can
Pretend to be who ever you can,
Just fucking pretend,
To make it as your fake life.

Please

Please look at your life
Please don’t release your emotions on the walls
Please throw your iniquity thoughts away
Please let go of your revenge
Please, please, please
Don’t fucking jump down.

For now,

Stay close to them
Be happy with them
Share with them
Cry with them
They, they, they,
Are your fucking friends.

Fuck

Fuck them
Fuck their thoughts
Fuck their gossips
Fuck their feelings
Just fucking kill all of them,
Who betray the little heart of yours.

You, I, We, They, Are Fucking Lost.
What makes you think we’ll be happy again?



The world we’re in; the four walls of our lives, is no match to the world we’ve yet to discover. I find truth in that, friend.

I Want To...

i want to sleep
i want to take a hot shower
i want to listen to Deepset over and over again
i want to buy a new hoodie
i want to write more
i want to publish my poems since 2007 but never did
i want to go to the moon and whisper my wish
i want to chase a falling star
i want to to take more pictures
i want to be able to make good music
i want to have my own colour
i want to make people happy
i want to be happy.

i want to do a lot of things but time wont let me do so.
i want to be happy but the situation is a mess.
i want to sleep now and dream, i haven't dream for days.

note to self:
life is so sick when you're doing it wrongly, what the fuck; you are already wrong you sick bastard.

Oh...

Dear star,
I wish upon you every night,
for a time machine or maybe a time bomb.
do I need those?
do I have to?

I don't know

really, my mind is moving away swiftly
to neverland where I can hide all my thoughts
remove away from me and pretend,
need to say more?
or should I write it on my arms?

mind blowing, how fast you run up the hills,
high up there, I couldn't find you,
nor your foot prints. M.I.A.
I was lost.


the CD changer, keeps on repeating the same,
old songs of heartbreaking stories, never ending fairytale,
boredom, sadness, pain,
oh I forgot, happy, also included.
used too.



once again, I blocked it out.

"yes! I did it!"

that was the first thought I had in mind.
I was wrong, all my thoughts are going,
places, not accurate.
why?
why is it so hard?


I've figured, you wrote a letter
to the president, to send a massive attack
on me, hitting every inch of my walls,
walls I've build from pure hatred and pain.
yes,the walls fell.
but not exactly all of them, just a few corners.
I survived.


Oh, thank God I did.